Hetalympics
by TheSociopathsHaveThePhoneBox
Summary: Charmingly late, I have for you a collection of Hetalia Olympics snippets! Follow England through the many stresses of being an Olympic host nation.


England sighed heavily as he collapsed in the plush leather chair in front of his desk, casting his heavy briefcase to the side. He paused for a moment, closing his eyes and massaging his temples, reviewing that day's World Meeting in his head. Once again, nothing had been accomplished but everyone yelling at each other about issues with no relevance to the meetings. A memorable moment had been Russia not noticing Canada and sitting on him, which spurred France to believe they were having a dogpile, which apparently means 'throw yourself on top of England until he punches you in the face for the third time' in his homeland. Meanwhile, America, the ex-colony he had lovingly raised from infancy and protected from the sinister gutter-minded clutches of France just sat there and laughed. The meeting came to an abrupt end when England told America that, had it not been for he, Alfred could have been the one raised by France and consequently sat on but otherwise overlooked by every other nation. America laughed and proclaimed that not even France could 'un-hero a hero.' France seemed to take that as a challenge and dragged Alfred off to somewhere, at this point Arthur didn't really care.

It was especially disappointing, because today he had hoped to discuss the Olympics with the other nations. This was England's year, and he was elated. At the last meeting he'd unveiled the logo, which France proclaimed was a 'sexual act' and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively for a full hour. Germany had huffed off in a rage, saying that the symbols clearly portrayed a Swastika and that England must be mocking him. Italy followed him immediately. When he wearily asked if anyone else had any sort of objection, Iran raised a firm hand and claimed that it clearly spelled 'zion', and was this a a thinly veiled pro-Israeli conspiracy? No one would listen when he tried to tell them it was supposed to be 2012; they demanded that he change it, but at this point, he just couldn't. The press would have a field day, saying that the change was tantamount to admitting there had been a hidden message (not to mention the 400,000 pounds it had cost him). Possibly worst of all, when he had premiered the logo on television, there had been a wave of reports of epileptic seizures caused by the commercial.

Frankly, everything had just gone pear-shaped.

All England wanted to do now was drink himself into a stupor. Trying to figure out how he got wherever he woke up the next morning had always held mild intrigue. Stifling a yawn, he reached for the scotch.

... only to have his way blocked by his best friend, Flying Mint Bunny!

"Flying Mint Bunny!" He cried in relief, drawing his hand back to his side and grinning. His magical floating friend always knew what he needed to hear.

"Hullo, England!" It cried cheerily, and the the mere chiefly British inflection seemed to wash his worries away. America had mangled that, one of his favorite words; a 'u' sounded so much better there than an 'e'!

"You've come to cheer me up, haven't you? How'd you know I needed it, huh?" England couldn't help the way his eyes lit up or how animated he became whenever his friend was around.

"You just seemed quite down, England. In fact, I brought Captain Hook and Uni along as well!" He fluttered to the side, revealing the two.

England paused, frowning. "What about Tinkerbell?"

Captain Hook looked at the floor, scratching the back of his neck. "She refused to come if I would be there." He mumbled ashamedly.

"Oh, well." England replied happily to the pirate. "She takes all the fun out of these meetings. Besides," he frowned slightly, "whenever we're _all _together, either someone ends up murdered or I'm eternally ridiculed by America."

Uni merrily agreed, leaping into the air in his immense joy. "This time I'll try not to nibble on your sleeve!' He exclaimed gleefully, prancing all around England.

Arthur was just about to ask Captain Hook why he was making a big, goofy, kissy face if Tinkerbell wasn't around when he heard loud footsteps coming from down the hall. He froze immediately, but his friends continued their merrymaking.

England's boss threw open the door and stepped into the room. "Arthur Kirkland." He said coolly. He opened his mouth to say something else, but seemed to notice that England's hand was stroking something he couldn't see and there was a small, warped smile frozen on his face.

He let out a long sigh. "Now is not the time, England. Can't you just... will them away?"

England looked indignant. "That would be tantamount to shoving them out the door! But... I'll see what I can do."

Face burning in embarrassment, he quietly apologized to his friends and asked them to leave in the politest way he could manage, trying to ignore the crestfallen looks on their faces. Slowly and dejectedly, each of them made their way to the door with drooped shoulders.

England watched them go, trying very, very hard not to call them back. "This better be important." He told his boss with clenched teeth.

"It is." He reassured him, seeming extremely uncomfortable with the entire situation. "We still need to come up with mascots for the Olympics!"

Iggy frowned. He'd forgotten about that, too busy stressing about the failure of a logo.

"I have no idea." England replied blankly.

"Well, hurry up and get one!" His boss snapped. "We need to have a mascot in time for the next world meeting!" With that, he stood up abruptly and stomped away, slamming the door behind him.

A foot stuck out to stop it from fully closing.

"Captain Hook!" England cried happily. "And... and Flying Mint Bunny! And Uni! Oh, you all came back!"

They surrounded him, chattering away.

"I was afraid my boss's attitude would offend you and you would never be my friend again." England admitted.

"Never!" Uni cried. "Thanks to that failed black magic of yours, we have life! How could a meanie-poo boss change that?"

Arthur blushed; this was a sensitive topic for him. "I... it wasn't failed! You guys were on purpose!"

Flying Mint Bunny smiled at him sadly. "It's okay, Arty. We know we were accidents."

"Anyway, don't we have work to be doing! You need a mascot!" Uni chirped.

"You'll help me? Aw, you guys are the best!" England cried, beaming around at them all.

"Of course we will! Now, let's brainstorm. How about a talking dragon?" Uni suggested.

"China will think I'm copying. That's kind of his thing." England replied, shaking his head.

"Okay then, what's England's thing?" Captain Hook asked.

"Hmm..." England frowned in deep thought. "Faeries, I suppose. And... and wizards... and sprites... and gnomes and pixies."

"So do one of those then!" Flying Mint Bunny concluded with a smile. "Easy as pie!... er, I mean scones!" He corrected hurriedly.

"No, the Olympics are supposed to look forward. It needs to be something new, something the world has never seen before, but still makes them feel nostalgic." England paused, looking around at his friends. "It should be sort of like you. You're new and inventive, but still based loosely on something you know. In fact..." his voice trailed off as a new idea clouded his eyes. "In fact, maybe I should do one of _you_!"

The group erupted into a chorus of "do me, do me!"

"Oh, but I could never choose!" England wailed, putting his head in his hands. "So it looks like we're back to square one." Of course, he could choose easily; Flying Mint Bunny was his favorite by far. But Uni thought it was he, and England couldn't bear to break his heart.

"You don't need to choose!" Flying Mint Bunny exclaimed jubilantly, flipping through the air. "Just combine all of us!"

"Hey, that's a great idea!" Ideas like that were the reason Flying Mint Bunny was the favorite.

England took out a sheet of paper and a quill. Sure, it was old-fashioned, but nothing spurred creative juices like clutching a feather in your hand.

"Okay," he began. "It should be able to fly, like Tinkerbell and Flying Mint Bunny. But it should also be intimidating, like Captain Hook." He roughly sketched out a mildly terrifying blob with wings.

He looked at the picture, frowning. "No, no, no. It needs to be _innovative_! What's another way to fly?"

Uni squealed. "It should travel by rainbow, like me!"

"_There _we go! Now _that's_ teamwork!" England scribbled out the wings and added a rainbow beneath it.

"Give it Flying Mint Bunny's body." Captain Hook said graciously.

England smiled happily, starting over with a new sheet of paper. He drew a sort of lopsided bunny, but was having trouble making sure the eyes were the same size.

Noticing his predicament, Flying Mint Bunny suggested, "Just give it one eye." England happily obeyed, neglecting the ears as well to give it a less rabbity silhouette.

All of his magical friends crowded around for a look at the new mascot. It seemed perfect; the tall, crooked body and short, stubby legs, the single, terrifying eye and odd almost-but-not-quite bunny-eared forehead.

"One more detail." England decided. "This is supposed to show innovation, the future. The mascot is officially made out of steel! And... and the mascot should mean unity! So there's TWO of them!"

"They'll never get lonely!" Uni agreed enthusiastically.

* * *

America groaned as the 'My Country 'Tis of Thee' instrumental went blaring through his phone's speakers. It was freaking four in the morning! Why on Earth would someone be calling him at this ungodly hour?!

He fumbled with his cell for a moment and suddenly discovered that it was not, in fact, a call, but instead he himself had set an alarm.

Alfred pondered this for a moment. He would never, ever wake himself up unless it was absolutely necessary. He had purposefully missed World Meetings scheduled too early in the day for his taste.

Suddenly he realized that it wasn't 'My Country 'Tis of Thee' playing, it was 'God Save the Queen'.

Cackling madly, he sprung out of bed, diving onto his star-spangled couch and fishing the remote out from between two cushions. When the huge flat screen pinged into life, he grinned, settling further back into the sofa.

Light, wavering flute notes played gently, and a pastel rainbow graced the screen, which was emblazoned with the words "OUT OF A RAINBOW". He couldn't help the wide grin that was slowly spreading across his face already.

"A great rainbow arcs over Bolton..."

That was all the bespectacled blond needed to hear before erupting into raucous guffaws and instantly calling his ex-imperial nation.


End file.
